Weecap: 8th August 2009 – Full Throttle
This week’s question: how many Stevies does it take to annoy one moody DS?
Well now, that’s a trick question… it only takes one!
In the second episode of this week’s double, DC Moss and DS Carter showdown in a tall vs. short battle to boggle the mind of even the most hardened old codger. Yes, I mean token bad guy’s father, not Jack Meadows!
Sorry Jack…
In a fancy new trick by The Bill’s production crew, a dangerous ending is foreshadowed when a grumpy Stevie verbally smacks DS Carter down at the beginning of the episode. We’re left asking ‘alright, what has this top class tool done this time?’ and then have to spend the rest of the episode guessing which unfortunate bystander Max will kill… my dibs were on the old guy. I think I was half right. Max did give him a ‘in all due respects’ (with obvious hints that he meant NO respect) heart attack. The old guy and I have a lot in common in that area.
The story follows a jewelry-shop robbery with a difference – our hero is a criminal and our criminal is a steroided-up idiot. Oh no, wait, the second one’s pretty common. Let’s just run with the hero-criminal.
Turns out our hero-criminal is a greasy-haired youth by the name of Justin Reed. When he’s not helping jewelry store owners he’s robbing houses and killing old ladies. Now, if that doesn’t scream ‘have a go hero’ than nothing will!
Naturally his family (sister and father) are saints. His sister Rebecca is a lawyer, rides an orange motorbike and looks after her dying father. Beautiful. His father was a chaplain at a jail. His hobbies include prayer, being sick and feeble, and worrying about the innocence of his son. So, who wants to bet on ‘too good to be true’?
As the team continues on their merry way, the robbery at the jewelry store falling second to the suspect awesomeness of the Reed family, the strong bond between DC Moss and DS Carter continues. It’s a beautiful picture of Max hating everyone, Stevie sharing motorbike tales with suspect’s sister, and more blank ‘why, why did I get her?’ looks from our resident anti-world DS. Anyone else smell another episode where Max is proven oh so very, very wrong? Think Chris Fox walks into work going ‘k, who’s Max going to annoy this episode?’
Me thinks he does…
The team’s leads take them to Mr. Reed’s house, now empty due to the fact Mr. Reed is living with Rebecca. Team ‘Smug and Chirpy’ scour the house for clues. Max checks the nook under the stairs. Nope, no Justin. The cupboards. No Justin. The back garden. Nope. In fact, the only place he doesn’t check is under the table. Shame. We all know Justin’s under there sniggering that he’s outsmarted the police again.
By the end of the search I’m wondering if I’m watching The Bill or a video tour of a house I’m about to buy. Either way, sold! Does the sexy real estate agent come too?
Stevie deems Rebecca a good person – she can tell by body language! But back at the station we find out Rebecca has been in contact with her runaway fugitive brother. Max rubs in Stevie’s theory on body language. If he could read body language he’d be able to tell Stevie’s body language suggests she’s about ready to run him down with the CID car. He misses the eye-rolling. Shame…
Now, let’s speed up this process… Rebecca: innocent, protecting her father. Justin’s father: Old and annoying, gets a few choice glares from Max and suffers a heart attack. Stevie: grumpy. Max: well, he’s just Max!
Back at dad’s house the curtain moves. Will doesn’t see it. Seemingly Will’s gone blind because the movement’s pretty damn obvious. You know what your mother said Will, about playing with it… you were warned!
But it’s obbo season and time for the HYPOCRITICAL RANT OF THE MONTH…
This month’s winner is Max, who feels Stevie talks too much. Want to know how I know he thinks she talks to much? Well, here’s how…
Max: Don’t you ever just want to sit and think about something? That’s what I was doing then, just sitting here thinking because I don’t feel the need to talk about every little thought that appears in my brain…
There’s more blahing on after this. I timed it, yeah… he yammers on for a good 30 seconds. So Max, here’s my advice to deal with people who talk to much…
YOU SHUT UP FIRST!
But this verbal showdown isn’t done, oh no, because Stevie’s the hero of this story and her burn of the week goes down in the history books…
Max: Would you just can it? You talk too much Stevie. You talk too damn much. It’s not a popularity contest. We’re not all trying to win best-loved copper in CID
Stevie: Well that’s a good job cos you’d definitely come last
*seconds that*
But put the fight down ladies because we’ve got ourselves an old-fashioned car vs. motorbike chase here, leading us to Tower Bridge. Think that now the writers have realized The Bill so DOES NOT sell London they’ve amped up the landmark feature?
Yeah, so, people are crazy in London… lookie, Tower Bridge.
I feel so used.
Just as Stevie looks set to talk Rebecca and her escapee brother into turning themselves in, Max decides now is the time to talk. Oh my dear man, it’s never a good idea to talk. Just stand there and look gorgeous.
I do not objectify Max… really.
OK, maybe just a little bit. But really, listen to him, he’d be so much better if he were born a deaf mute. He’d still glare at you, but at least he wouldn’t insult you…
Stevie’s moment of brilliance for the week lost as Rebecca and Justin escape, the chase continues until a cyclist all-fall-downs in front of the CID car. They’re gone. Or are they?
One bang, crash, boom later Stevie and Max are left dealing with a motorbike accident which looks set to come back to haunt them. Justin may have a broken back or neck and Team ‘Smug and Chirpy’ have laid their necks on the chopping block…
Uh, whoops?
NEXT TIME ON THE BILL: Heaton’s playing ‘cut the detective’, Stevie’s well miffed as Max would say, Neil gives Carter the serve he deserves and Max plays ‘DS’ for the first time ever…
Max: If you really want to see me pull rank just keep talking…
*raises hand*
Oooh, I do!